Hi Reader,

A client and I had a breakthrough moment last month. Here’s what we discovered — three magic words and how to use them:

Add “It feels like” to the front of every criticism or complaint your wife throws at you.

So ...

• “We never go out anymore,” becomes, “It feels like we never go out anymore.”
• “I‘m the only one parenting these kids,” becomes, “It feels like I‘m the only one parenting these kids.”
• “You don’t stick up for me in front of your parents,” becomes, “It feels like you don’t stick up for me in front of your parents.”

MASSIVE difference.

When my wife uses her unhappy voice and barks, “We never go out anymore,” my lizard brain interprets it as an attack. The gloves come off and I start defending myself.

ME: “Never go out anymore?! What are you talking about?! You know how busy January is. We discussed this, remember? Plus, over the holidays, all we did was go out! The office Christmas party, your sister’s house, my parents, the Killington trip. And you have the nerve to say we don’t go out anymore?!”

Logic, logic, and more logic.

Good luck with that.

But if I add our magic words — “It feels like we never go out anymore” — I’m able to hear the deeper cry hidden in my wife’s complaint.

It sounds like this:

“I wish we had more time together. Just the two of us. No relatives. No kids. It feels like forever. I miss you. I miss us.”

What husband would fight back against that?

In Hold Me Tight, renowned psychologist Sue Johnson explains:

Three magic words.

“It feels like ...”

Without them, you’re likely to miss the real issue, argue over a senseless point, and create more distance between you.

Adding “It feels like” will help you get to the heart of the matter.

Adding “It feels like” will help you hear her cry for connection.

Adding “It feels like” will help you respond to your wife’s distress call with empathy rather than logic and defensiveness.

That will change your marriage!
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Put It to Work

1. Try it! Add our three magic words to the front of your wife’s criticism or complaint.
2. You risk sending her into shock, but respond by saying things like, “That’s upsetting, isn’t it?” or “That’s frustrating, isn’t it?”
3. Now address the unspoken, underlying issue.
4. Enjoy a stronger, closer, more intimate marriage.
5. #boom
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Say Hello :)

I’d love to hear from you!

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