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Hi Reader,

We don’t get it.

The sheer weight of it.

The marriage-changing power of it.

Even after writing a chapter about it for my last book, I still haven’t grasped its impact!

I’m referring to how the dynamic in a home changes when husbands go first. When we step into our leadership role. When we move from passive to powerful.

It touches everything.

When a husband takes initiative and goes first ...

• He develops self-respect
• He grows more confident
• He activates his masculine core
• He produces more testosterone
• He receives praise from his partner

And his wife?

• She softens
• She flowers
• She relaxes into her feminine energy
• She cracks the whip much less
• She jumps his bones much more

When you lead, her distress levels plummet. She stops being hard and angular. Her self-talk changes from, “When I want something done around here, I have to do it myself!” to “I love how this feels. I’d rather be the woman in this relationship. I’d rather be warm, provocative, fun, and flirty. I don’t have to be the man anymore. He’s the man now.”

When you go first — when you take off your Procrastinator hat and put on your Initiator hat — tension leaves the home. Even your kids relax. They hear you say, “Dad’s got this. I’ll throw Frodo across my back and carry him into Mount Doom by myself if I have to. I’ve got enough strength for this whole family!”
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The Doghouse

A husband I know has made a habit of bringing flowers home to his wife. Why? Simply because it makes her happy. It adds color to her otherwise predictable, groundhog-day, daily routine.

Here’s the part I find interesting ...

When he’s checking out, the cashier, whether male or female, will invariably snicker and say:

“Looks like someone’s in the doghouse.”

They’re being playful, of course, but he sets the record straight and replies, “Ha, no, not this time. I love my wife and these flowers are beautiful like her. It’s a simple way to brighten her day.“

Buying his wife flowers for no particular reason is him wearing his red Initiator hat — “Make Marriage Great Again.”

One more thing about the “doghouse” comment he typically hears at the cash register ...

What does it say about our collective ethos?!

It says we’re reactors, not initiators.

It says we’re good at making amends, but lousy at making a marriage.

It says we’re candidates for Testosterone Replacement Therapy.
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Decide Today

Decide to go first in your marriage.

Decide to swim against the cultural tide.

Decide to move from the background — where you’ve been — to the foreground — where you belong.
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Put It to Work

(I pulled this week’s “Put It to Work” section from Chapter 6 of Better Man, Better Marriage.)

1. There’s something in your home that’s begging for your leadership. Begging for you to go first. What is it? Where have you been passive or crying, “Unfair! I was the first to apologize last time!”? Where have you been acting more like a bystander than a strong, present, engaged man?
2. What does leading the charge look like in your situation? Is it being the first to plan a date night? The first to contact a marriage counselor? The first to call bullshit on yourself?
3. What’s one thing you can do today to build the marriage you want? To become more leader and less follower.
4. Do it now.

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Your Coach,

P.S. If you just realized today is Valentine’s Day, enroll immediately in my online course and community — “How to Win Your Wife Back.”