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Couples Who Describe Their Lovemaking as “Meh” Have This in Common
Hi Reader,
1967 was the year of the Six-Day War, the first human heart transplant, and “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” — the album that changed the landscape of popular music.
It was also the year Charles Hummel, president of Barrington College, said this:
56 years ago!
The world has changed but we haven’t.
We’re still slaves to the urgent.
There were lots of things that just had to get done when I was married. You know the list. Yours is probably similar. Looking back, I can't recall what any of those things were, of course, but at the time, they just couldn't wait.
So I dutifully attended to all the items on my URGENT list, while “strengthen my marriage” languished alongside “plan a vacation” and “have my heart checked” on a different list labeled I’LL GET TO THAT LATER.
Later never came.
Neither did the opportunity to make up for lost time with my wife.
Later never comes. Especially when we’re slaves to the urgent.
Drowning in Slow Motion
The Gottman Institute cites a study of 30 young couples with less-than-satisfactory sex lives. The researchers found that most of the couples:
- Spend very little time together during the week
- Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
- Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists
- Make everything but their relationship a priority
- Drift apart and lead parallel lives
We’re a nation of marriages drowning in busyness. We would do well to heed the words of German poet and playwright Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe:
Winning the War
Every night, I sit with my journal and review my day. I write down what I’m grateful for. I write down what went well, what needs work, and what I’ll do differently tomorrow.
People who know about my nightly routine think it comes easy to me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I FORCE myself to do it.
I FORCE myself to pause.
I FORCE myself to sit and reflect.
You couldn’t pay me not to do it.
Why?
Because I spent 50 years on autopilot. I spent 50 years attending to the urgent. I spent 50 years keeping the important things in a holding pattern and lost everything dear to me.
Journaling is what saved me.
Journaling is what keeps saving me.
What Can Wait?
Grab your to-do list.
What can wait?
The dry cleaning can wait. The business trip can wait. That important email can wait. Refinishing the deck can wait. Checking the weekend surf report can wait.
What can’t wait?
Is your marriage on that list?
Do something now, not later. Clear your schedule. Plan a date night. Make a dinner reservation. Attend a couples conference. Hire a marriage coach.
Remember, later never comes.
But predictable outcomes always do. Even the ones we had hoped to avoid or outsmart.
Today, I live differently. I pause. I practice being conscious. I resist the urgent and elevate the important. I walk every morning. I take vacations. I ride my bike to the gym and my skateboard to the post office. I have my heart checked.
And when it comes to spending quality time with someone I love, I toss my to-do list aside and say, “F’ it. It can wait.”
Reflect, gentlemen!
Separate the important from the urgent!
It’s our only hope!
Your Coach,
Hi, I'm Jeff.
I help husbands grow and become great men. The kind their wives swoon over. Join the one percent! New content delivered weekly.
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