Hi Reader,

Here’s something I’ve never heard from a husband whose wife has an affair or moves out or files for divorce:

“Yeah, I saw that coming.”

Every week I hear the opposite:

“I’m in shock.”

Why?

Why don’t we see it coming?

Why don’t we see it coming when a woman ...

• Checks out emotionally
• Removes sex from the marriage
• Decides to withhold warmth and affection
• Meets with a divorce lawyer
• Vacates the home (“I’m done”)

Why are we shocked?

Seriously.

What does that say about us?

Some of you can’t relate because your marriage is intact. But is it healthy? Is it growing? Is it robust?

Or is it so-so?

Please hear me:

If you describe your marriage as so-so, your wife would describe it as hanging by a thread, I promise.
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Low Bar Syndrome

So many husbands (I was one) set an embarrassingly low bar.

I recently met with a guy whose wife has one foot out the door. He had a perplexed look on his face and said, “I‘m a nice guy. I don‘t do drugs. I‘m not an alcoholic.”

Here’s what he implied:

• “That should be enough.”
• “She should be happy.”

That was me.

“I work hard. I provide for my family. I don’t drink. I don’t yell. I don’t cheat. I don’t look at porn.”

All noble things — foundational — but how many of them made my wife’s “Qualities I Most Want in a Husband” list?

If I asked you to describe your dream home, you wouldn’t rattle on about the foundation ...

“We’re having a polyethylene vapor barrier installed between the concrete floor slab and the ground to keep ground moisture from migrating up into the slab. And we’ve decided to splurge and use #5 rebar instead of #4. We prefer the increased stability the 5/8” diameter offers. Isn’t that exciting?!”

So when this perplexed husband said, “I‘m a nice guy. I don‘t do drugs. I‘m not an alcoholic,” I responded:

“You sound like a great roommate, but how does not drinking or doing drugs make you a great husband? Why do you think that’s what a woman is looking for?”

[awkward silence]

“OK, let’s switch gears for a moment. Instead of telling me what you don’t do in your marriage, help me understand what you do to be a powerful and compelling human. What you do to cherish your wife and make her more of a priority. Tell me about the last few date nights you planned. Tell me about her love language and how that impacts the way you relate to her. Tell me what she likes to do for fun and the last time you guys did it together. Tell me how she likes to be held when she’s sad or upset. Tell me all the ways you’re growing even more attractive to your wife.”

[crickets]

Yes, this husband has a low opinion of his wife, but more important to understand is this:

He has a low opinion of himself.

So did I.

It’s the reason I set the bar so low. It’s the reason I accepted a mediocre marriage. It’s the reason I stayed busy, busy, busy.

It was much easier to stay on the hamster wheel than to face my inadequacies as a husband.

It was easier to tell myself, “She should be happy.”
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Put It to Work

1. Where is your marriage heading? What are you basing that on? A woman will never say, ”I’m a few months away from removing sex from our marriage. Just thought you’d like to know.” Instead, what she’ll say is, ”I miss date nights,” or “Remember when we went out for coffee every Saturday?” or “I’m sad about us.” She’s not complaining. She’s inviting you into greater connection and intimacy.
2. Do you suffer from Low Bar Syndrome? Identify the deeper story you tell yourself. Mine sounded like, “I don’t deserve love and good things.” The good news is we can write a brand new story, but we have to face the old one first.
3. There are lots of strong assessment-type questions in my new book designed to prevent future shock and keep your marriage fresh and moving forward, but let’s not forget the brilliance of Jack Canfield (outlined in my first book) and the two simple questions he asks his wife every weekend: ”On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our relationship?“ followed by, “What would it take to make it a 10?” Boom! Try it!
4. What’s one thing you can do this week to move your marriage toward healthy and robust?
5. Make that sh#t happen.

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​Master Class | Group Coaching

The next session of “Win Your Wife Back” is about to launch! Those of you on the waiting list will receive more details this week.

If you’d like to be included, just reply to this email.

Raise the bar!

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Your Coach,