Hi Reader,

Renowned psychologist and couples coach Sue Johnson makes an appearance in my recent book, but looking back, I under-estimated the weight of her words.

Here’s the excerpt:

When my wife acted prickly, criticized me, or got upset, I would raise my deflector shields and prepare for the Battle of Naboo. But in reality, what felt like an attack was actually a plea:

“Where are you? Where did you go? Come back to me.”

Understanding this — or failing to — will determine whether your marriage lives or dies.

Lives or dies!​
​

A True Story

One of my clients is an experienced hunter who owns two Redbone Coonhounds for tracking black bear, wild boar, and other large game.

He was brushing their coats and trimming their nails one afternoon when his wife walked into the room and said:

“You love your hunting dogs more than me.”

His left-brained retort:

”That’s ludicrous! Why the hell would you say such a thing?!”

#failing

We’ve all reacted in similar fashion. We’ve all made the same myopic mistake.

Let’s learn from his.
​

What He Actually Said

My client not only disregarded his wife’s pain, but piled on more. “Why the hell would you say such a thing?!” isn’t a question, it’s a put-down.

HER: “You love your hunting dogs more than me.”

HIM: “You know something, you rank so low on my priority list, I’m not even going to engage with you right now. Shame on you for opening your mouth. You’re not a person, you’re a nuisance. Go bother someone else. Leave me and the dogs alone.”

He confirmed her “ludicrous” statement.

He said, in essence, “You’re right. I do love my hunting dogs more than you.”

She walked away crushed and certain of one thing …

In the hierarchy of their home, “wife” ranks lower than “dog.”
​

ROI

At a bare-bones minimum (pun intended), my client will invest $25,000 in each hound.

From PetBudget.com ...

That’s just the money side.

That’s not the real investment.

I don’t own an expensive pure-bred animal, but I can imagine what goes into caring for one, or in his case, two:

• Time
• Attention
• Energy
• The best quality food
• The best quality bedding
• The best quality gear
• Regular check-ups
• Grooming
• Hygiene
• Training
• Bonding
• More Time
• More Attention
• More Energy

He admitted to me, “Yeah, I fuss over them.”

The way he once fussed over his wife.
​

Decoding Her Complaint

If you’re a regular reader of mine, “You love your hunting dogs more than me” is easy to decode, but in case you’re new here, let’s break it down.

First, let’s add “It feels like” to the front of her complaint.

“You love your hunting dogs more than me,” becomes “It feels like you love your hunting dogs more than me.”

BIG difference.

• It moves you from lawyer to lover
• It means you don’t need to present opposing evidence
• It means you don’t need to prove your point
• It means you don’t need to win the argument
• It means there is no argument

“It feels like” makes empathy easier.

“It feels like” allows you to feel the sorrow and longing behind her words.

Because if Sue Johnson is right …

This wife’s complaint is actually a protest over emotional disconnection. An attempt to find her missing husband. “You love your hunting dogs more than me” is a cry from the heart. One my client was too preoccupied to hear that day.

One that sounded like this:

Now you see why her husband’s response was so hurtful.

You also see why the less-belligerent alternative most of us would have employed — “Of course I love you more than the dogs, baby” — would have been equally anemic.

It may not be as outrightly dismissive, it may not be a put-down, but it still says, “You’re wrong for feeling that way.”

Worse, it completely misses the point.
​

Wife Vs. Dogs II (The Sequel)

Here’s how you set the record straight:

HER: “You love your hunting dogs more than me.”

[Make eye contact. Walk over to where she is. Get in her space.]

YOU: “Damn. Where have I been? What the hell have I been doing? Neglecting you, it sounds like. Neglecting us. You’re the best part of my life, but you don’t feel that way right now, do you? [Pause as she shakes her head ‘No’] I hate that. I hate that you feel second-fiddle to these dogs. That’s on me. You deserve better. We deserve better. What do you need more of from me? Tell me. I want to know. I want to make our marriage a priority again. It’s your turn to be fussed over.”

#winning

That’s strength. That’s leadership.

The kind a woman will hitch her wagon to.
​

Put It to Work

1. Add “It feels like” to the front of every criticism or complaint. Stop taking her literally. Stop picking apart her complaint. Stop hearing it like a lawyer. Hear it like a lover instead.
2. Remember, her words don’t matter. What’s the feeling behind them? And what’s the source of that feeling?​
3. Ask yourself, “What does she need more of from me? What does she miss most about the early days of our relationship?”
4. Even better, ask her :)

​
Your Coach,