Hi Reader,

“Quiet” has earned a bad rap.

Mostly because many of us have used it as a weapon.

“Rather than address the critical comment you just made, I’ll punish you for making it by quietly withdrawing. I’ll lash back at you through silent avoidance, by shutting you out.”

Sadly, that was my M.O.

I heard Andrew J. Bauman — author and mental health counselor — say, “Avoidance is violence.”

If it’s easier to remember:

Silence is violence.

So yes, quiet has a dark side.

But sometimes quiet is necessary in a marriage. While most women process out loud — by talking, many of us XY-chromosome types process in silence — by thinking.

Here’s why that can be problematic:

Quiet avoidance — the violent kind — sounds the same to your wife’s ears as quiet reflection — the thoughtful kind.

She can’t tell the difference!

Until now.

This little script will change your marriage:

Strong.

Clear.

Thoughtful.

Reassuring.

Say it (or text it) after a heated exchange and your wife gets to relax into your masculine energy. She gets to drop her defenses. She gets to change her story from this ...

“There he goes! Running off again! Shutting me out again! He obviously didn’t like something I said. Or maybe I didn‘t say it just right and little baby had his feelings hurt. As usual, it‘s allllllllll about him. It’s never about about me or my pain. How I’m feeling. What I need more of. Nope! Just him. I swear, the man is incapable of intimacy.

“And I know what’s coming next ... Three days of hell to pay. Three days of the silent treatment. Three days of me feeling abandoned and alone while I paste a smile on my face for the kids. I don’t know why I bother. This marriage is so toxic.”

To this ...

“Wow. That’s a breath of fresh air! My husband listening. My husband communicating. Thinking about me. Caring about me. Not punishing me. Not stonewalling me. I like this version of him. You know, I probably came off a little harsh back there. I need to get better at telling him what I want without laying into him. Without being so critical. That’s something for me to work on.”

You’ve moved your marriage out of momentary crisis ... into heal, mend, and repair mode.

Quietly.

Powerfully.

Magnetically.
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Put It to Work

1. Memorize our little script: “I haven’t shut you out. I haven’t gone anywhere. I am quiet, but it’s because I’m processing what you’ve said. It’s the good quiet, not the bad quiet.”
2. Use it often.

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Your Coach,

P.S. I’m thinking about doing a live Zoom interview with a husband who went from zero to hero in less than five months. In a nutshell, his wife moved out after 30 years of marriage, repeatedly stated, “I’M NOT COMING BACK,” and made plans to divorce him. Today, they’re acting like a couple of newlyweds.

Reply to this email with “Interested” if that’s timely and something you’d tune in for.