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Hi Reader,

This week’s email will help you slay the “Avoidant” dragon and show up stronger in your marriage!
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CAUSE ⇢ EFFECT

Maybe it’s because I was clueless. Maybe it’s because I was on autopilot for almost five decades. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t have the courage to face my inadequacies as a husband.

But my marriage was in decline for years, and I didn’t lift a finger to stop it.

It’s all too common.

Husbands who believe in magic rather than cause and effect.

A recent example:

I have a newer client (Dan) whose marriage is hanging by a thread. He checks all the boxes I used to check — Lionel Messi at work, but passive, weak, and avoidant at home. He’s had his hands over his eyes for a long time. His wife (Lisa), as you might surmise, is frustrated, exasperated, and angry. “I’m in a fire-breathing mood,” is how she puts it.

Dan is a general contractor. Last Monday he called Lisa with “an emergency.”

Dan: I need you to drop what you’re doing and head straight to the permit office to pick something up for me or I’m screwed.

Lisa: I’m in the middle of my pedicure. Can it wait?

Dan: NO! This is really important!

Lisa: [sigh] Okay.

The county permit office in question was over an hour away. He texted her the address and off she drove.

90 minutes later, Dan’s phone rang. It was Lisa.

Lisa: So, I’m here at the permit office, but they won’t give me what you sent me here for. They’re saying your application is missing some paperwork.

Dan: Crap. That’s right.

[sound of Lisa’s head exploding]

Dan called me the next day. (He and Lisa still hadn’t spoken.) Together we outlined a bold plan to address his screw-up and turn the permit-office episode into a flash point for greater intimacy instead of greater hostility.

The Much Greater Crime

Fast-forward to Friday and our 7:00 AM phone call.

I’m wondering how Tuesday went. How our plan went. How the talk with Lisa went. The week started out rough. How are they doing now?

I was eager to hear all about it.

Me: Hey Dan! Catch me up. How did this week go?

Dan: Yesterday was a good day. Lisa seemed to be in a good mood. She didn’t get on my case about anything. We had a nice dinner together.

Me: Okay. How did your talk about Monday’s mini-disaster go?

Dan: We haven’t talked about Monday yet.

[short pause while I gather my thoughts]

Me: You have your journal with you, right?

Dan: Yeah.

Me: Excellent. Write down these words: “Yesterday … was not … a good day.” Double-underline “not.” Yesterday was not a good day.

The momentary peace in my client’s home was an illusion. A mirage. It wasn’t real. His wife’s respect for him — thin to begin with — was at an all-time low by week’s end. 

This was confirmed the next day when the three of us met over Zoom. For the third time in three years, Lisa insisted they separate and he move out of the house.

Never a Loss, Always a Lesson

So, what’s the lesson here?

There are a few.

• Marriage issues don’t go away. They only get kicked further down the road. Dragons must be slayed, not left to slumber and gather strength.
• A woman’s silence often means she’s giving her husband time and space to man up. To take the lead in their home. She’s testing him.
• “She didn’t get on my case about anything,” is never the goal. Oneness is the goal.
• The passing of time doesn't heal wounds. It’s actually Miracle Grow for unaddressed issues in your marriage.

Put It to Work

1. Write down the top one or two unaddressed issues in your marriage.
2. You have a “magic story” (false belief) for each one. There’s a reason you’re playing the avoidant game. What is it?
3. Dan is a Christian. Right now he’s taking an honest look at how his personal faith expression leans toward unhealthy. It includes the belief that he can let things slide and doesn’t have to do hard shit. God will cover for him. His marriage will magically get better on its own. If you’re a person of faith — whatever it might be — humbly consider that something similar might be fueling your avoidance.
4. Attack the biggest and hardest issue first. Get help if you need to. Consult with a therapist or marriage coach like me. But whatever you do, move!  Slay that dragon!
5. Exchange your belief in luck, magic, prayer beads, and incense sticks for belief in cause and effect.

Question or Comment?

Let me know what landed.

I’d love to hear from you.

P.O. Box 2002, Red Bank, New Jersey 07701
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