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Hi Reader,

Would you rather be comfortable or would you rather have a world-class marriage?

Duh, Jeff.

I know, it sounds like a stupid question, but here’s the pattern I see repeated in so many homes:

1. Wife brings up issue.
2. Issue requires action on husband’s part.
3. Husband acknowledges issue and commits to course of action. “I’m on it!”
4. Husband gets busy and doesn’t follow through.
5. A week passes.
6. A second week passes.
7. Wife creates story around husband’s failure to take action. “I’m not important to him. The things that matter to me aren’t important to him. He only notices me when he wants sex. I hate my life.”
8. A third week passes.
9. Wife brings up issue (See #1).
10. Wife is prickly and upset.
11. Husband mistakes the real source of her pain, shuts down, and turns his wife away because her accusatory tone and “upsetness” make him uncomfortable.
12. Husband walks away aggravated.
13. Wife walks away feeling unloved and alone.
14. The specters named Separation, Divorce, and Lukewarm Marriage walk away congratulating themselves.
15. Wife adds, “I bet someone else out there would love and appreciate me,” to her story.

I know these 15 points so well because I lived them.

I didn’t understand what renowned psychologist Sue Johnson spells out so clearly in Hold Me Tight:

I was weak.

Like Tim, I labeled my wife “too emotional” and viewed each complaint of hers as an attack — something to be avoided.

Sadly, I got what I wanted — the momentary relief and comfort of not having to deal with her “upsetness.” But I forfeited the greater comfort of having a marriage that was strong, close, nourishing, and intimate.

You’ve heard of “Choose your pain”?

Choose your comfort.
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Put It to Work

1. When your wife gets prickly or upset, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It doesn’t mean you suck. It doesn’t mean you’re a “bad boy.” Those are messages from your childhood. Your wife’s “upsetness” is simply a red light on your marriage dashboard. Not something to be feared or avoided, but something worth paying attention to. Choose to see it that way — as an indicator she’s feeling disconnected from her husband. As an opportunity to heal what’s broken.
2. Rather than shut down or brush off your wife when she’s acting ”too emotional,“ draw close to her instead.
3. Remember Sue Johnson’s words. Write them in your journal: “We’re never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened.”
4. Sue goes on to say: “Sarah desperately needs to reconnect with Tim.” When your wife is prickly and upset, tell yourself, “It feels foreign to my male mind, but this is her repair attempt. This is her cry for help. She desperately needs me to engage, not disengage. Move toward her, not away from her. This is my hero moment.”
5. Stay with it! You’ll get better at this! We’re turning a cruise ship, not a kayak.

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More Practical Tools

Learn more ways to connect with your wife in Better Man, Better Marriage. 31 bite-sized chapters for men who don’t like to read but want a world-class marriage.

Simple. Clear. Practical.