Hi Reader,

Brad Pitt is considered sexy.

Marc Anthony is considered sexy.

Ditto for Tom Cruise, Sterling Shepard, Jesse James, and the Aquaman guy.

These men have something else in common.

Each was dumped by the woman he married.

#notsexy

A question worth asking then:

“In the eyes of my wife …

• Am I growing more attractive or less attractive?
• Am I trending toward ‘more hot’ or ‘less hot’?
• Compared to five years ago, is she more interested in sex with me or less interested in sex with me?”

As every husband knows, “interested” matters.

Sex loses its sheen when it feels obligatory. When it feels like a chore.

We want more than sex. We want sex with a woman who’s into us. A woman who’s attracted to us.

We all want to be wanted.

Yes, single men, there is something worse than not having sex …

And that’s having sex with a woman who looks like she’d rather be doing anything else.

I don’t need to be sexy in the estimation of all women or even the majority, but I do want to be considered sexy by the woman it matters to. I do want to grow more attractive in her eyes.

The shortest chapter in my second book reads like this:
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You get the point.

It doesn’t matter how we define “sexy.” How do they define “sexy”? Not the women of pop culture, but ordinary, healthy, grounded, put-together, capable women.

And shouldn’t we pay attention?

This week, I found myself asking …

If sexy is an effect …

If ongoing, long-term attraction is an effect …

• What are the causes?
• What causes a man to remain irresistible to the woman he loves?
• Are women hopelessly shallow creatures who only have the hots for men who look like Brad Pitt or dance like Marc Anthony or robe themselves in ink like Jesse James?! Or is there more to it?
• What makes a man a Wife Magnet?

I scoured the internet this week to hear what women have to say.

And while there are nuances, especially when it comes to physical traits, women across the planet unanimously agree on a handful of qualities that make men sexy.

The snippets below are from ordinary, run-of-the-mill married women. Not celebrities, but real people — moms, teachers, business owners, doctors, and housewives.

They were asked:

What makes your husband sexy?

Grab your notebook.
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Married Women Weigh In

I waded through thousands of responses. I chose the recurring ones. Each statement represents hundreds of others just like it.

• “Paying the bills early. Super sexy.”
• “His set of magic scratching fingers, used often.”
• “When he walks through the door, takes one look at me, and pours a glass of wine. No words needed.”
• “When he plays with our kids.”
• “I feel like I have to perform for other people but not for him. I can be myself around him without fear of criticism or judgment. That’s a turn-on.”
• “When he comforts and reassures me during my crazy abandonment-issues episodes. When he’s my rock.”
• “The fact that he can fix almost anything.”
• Just being a man. I have enough children to raise.”
• “The way he looks at me sometimes. Like no one else exists.”
• “His kindness. His sense of humor. The way he follows through and keeps his word. Yes, definitely that. Off-the-charts sexy!”
• “If he helps me put away laundry, I’ll be all over him later.”
• “His old-school charm. He still opens doors for me.”
• “The way he takes care of himself. He attends to me and my needs but not at the exclusion of his own.”
• “He makes my coffee for me better than I do.”
• “His love and emotional support for my daughter (his step-daughter). He’s filled the void left by her biological father. He’s amazing!”
• “When he shares his dreams with me. When he talks about our future. When he plans ahead.”
• “When he does chores without being asked.”
• “My first husband used to end heated arguments by storming off. I remember how hopeless and alone I felt. With Jacob, I always know we’re going to work it out. There’s no scenario where he storms off and doesn’t return. For someone as stubborn as I am, that’s pretty damn sexy.”
• “My husband is sexiest after he has worked hard.”
• “He tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m wearing my ugly reading glasses or comfy flannel pajamas.”

These next few are in response to a similar but slightly different question:

What makes a man sexy?

• “Most women find a man with good manners sexy.” (Candice Swanepoel)
• “There’s nothing more attractive than a man on a mission.” (Emily Freeman)
• “You know what’s sexier than a bad boy? A grown-ass man with his shit together.” (Anonymous)
• “Don’t tell me you miss me. Tell me you’re outside with tacos. Action.” (Deanna Cobden)

Do you notice the common themes?

He’s tuned in
To his wife
To his kids
He’s present

He’s hands-on
He’s engaged
He’s in the foreground …
Not the background

He takes initiative
He shares the load
He talks
He acts
He has his shit together

He connects with her emotionally
He’s patient
He’s kind
He’s steady
He’s strong

He’s Lover
He’s Protector
He’s Rock
He’s King of the Castle …
Not One of Her Majesty’s Eunuchs

Bottom line …

Your youthful good looks might fade, but that doesn’t mean you have to fall off the i’m-sexy-and-i-know-it cliff. If you listen closely, your wife will give you the game plan for growing more attractive over time.

So go ahead and announce it:

“I’m bringing sexy back.”

[fist bump]

Now get to work.
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Put It to Work

1. Let’s get even more granular. How does your wife define sexy? Do you know? Ask her. Show her this post if it’s helpful. And yes, bring your notebook.
2. Make a list of your most attractive and least attractive (according to your wife) qualities. Pick one or two in the “Least” column and ask yourself, “If this is true, what will I do differently? What’s one small change I can make this week? One baby step that will move me toward “more hot.”
3. Check in with your wife every month or two. Which way are you trending?
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“How to Win Your Wife Back”

My online course and private community launched less than 24 hours ago!

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Your Coach,