Hi Reader,

Are you a world-class husband?

Maybe so. But there’s still one thing you can’t do:

You can’t talk your wife out of an emotion.

Logic doesn’t work.
Reason doesn’t work.
Trying to reassure her doesn‘t work.
Trying to calm her down doesn’t work.
Giving her advice doesn’t work.

All of us have tried! The result is always the same.

Disaster.

• Frustration on both sides
• Hurt feelings
• Broken connection

And over time, despair.

Yet still we try.

Foolishly.
​

A Better Way

Tired of endlessly repeating what doesn’t work?

Tired of creating more distance in your relationship?

Dr. Henry Cloud to the rescue.

Dr. Cloud is a clinical psychologist and co-author of the bestselling Boundaries series of books. On his podcast (episode #147), he offered valuable advice to husbands caught in this trap.

Here’s his suggestion:

When your wife approaches you in the grip of an emotion (whether mild or elevated), listen to her with this orientation:

That wasn’t in my wheelhouse 15 years ago.

Instead, I listened to my wife with this orientation:

• “What’s her friggin’ problem?”
• “Why is she making such a big deal out of this?”
• “She needs medication.”
• “Why is she attacking me?”
• “What on earth was I thinking when I married this woman?”
• “I wish she would calm the f’ down.”
• “Can we cut to the chase?”
• “I don’t have time for this.”
• “I have more important things to do than listen to her whine.”

I know none of you can relate.

Back to Dr. Cloud …

Specifically:

1. What’s the issue?
2. What’s she feeling?
3. What’s the consequence?

A world-class husband’s job is to acknowledge all three.
​

An Example

Dr. Cloud gave an everyday example. Imagine the scene:

Your wife gets off the phone with her mom. She’s upset because her mom was trying to control her. Your wife finds you and begins to vent.

Most of us respond with something like:

• “Don’t take her call next time.”
• “You’re surprised? Your mom always does this.”
• “Here’s what you say the next time she pulls that on you …”

All examples of what not to do.

Instead, here’s the world-class response Dr. Cloud suggested:

Masterful.

Three sentences. Three acknowledgements.

1, 2, 3.

Do you see it?

He acknowledged the issue.
He acknowledged what she’s most likely feeling.
He acknowledged the consequence.

Let’s look closer:
​

1. Acknowledge the Issue

Acknowledge what happened. That’s easy, right? Simply repeat back to your wife whatever she’s in distress about. Whatever she just griped or complained about.

“I can’t believe Jenny canceled on you again.”

“Ughh. I hate that your mom tries to control you.”

“Your boss has a lot of nerve. That was very unkind of him.”
​

2. Acknowledge Her Feelings

You can do this.

Is your wife frustrated?
Say, “That sounds so frustrating.”

Is she angry?
Say, “Oh man. I’d be pissed off too.”

Is she sad?
Say, “Damn. That must feel terrible.”

Don’t overthink this. You don’t need to nail the feeling. You don’t need to use the perfect word or phrase. Simply mirror — reflect back to her — whatever you pick up on.
​

3. Acknowledge the Consequence

Take her primary feeling (anger, sadness, etc) and ascribe an in-the-moment, how-she-feels-right-now consequence to it.

For us guys, think “rash decision.” Unreasonable but “reasonable” considering her state and how she’s feeling at this moment.

What would a rash-decision reaction to her distress be?

I really like Dr. Cloud’s use of the phrase “I bet you …” for this.

“That’s so frustrating. I bet you feel like quitting right now.”

“That sounds so unfair. I bet you don’t ever want to go back to that coffee shop.”

“That sucks. I bet you want to drive over there and give her a piece of your mind.”

You’re not suggesting she actually do any of these things, of course, but you’re doing something much more powerful:

You’re entering her world
This right-now moment in time
What she’s experiencing right now

It might only last two minutes …

But here’s the thing …

In two minutes you won’t have the opportunity you have right now:

• To take her side
• To connect with her
• To enter her world
• To be her rock
• To be her source of strength

This is your chance to build emotional closeness and intimacy. To create more positive feelings in your marriage.

One more time:

This moves you from critic and judge …
To empathetic listener and partner.

No, you haven’t traded in your masculinity. You’ve stepped more fully into your masculine frame and leadership role.

• By being her rock
• By letting her wave of emotion crash on the beach
• By remaining unperturbed
• By not running away
• By not taking her emotional outburst personally
• By not treating her like a problem that needs to be fixed
• But like a friend in need
• A friend who’s struggling
• A friend who’s upset

This is worth getting right.

It’s where marriages are won or lost.
​

Put It to Work

1. Instead of treating your wife’s emotion as something to avoid, treat it as an opportunity to build closeness and connection. To say, “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere. Lean on me.”
2. Hardwire Dr. Cloud’s approach by creating an imaginary scene of your own. Your wife is upset. She tells you why. Write down your empathetic, connection-building, three-sentence response.
3. Practice this in real life! It will eventually become your new normal. 💪🏼
   ​

Your Coach,