Hi Reader,

A guy in my group coaching program shared a conversation that took place between him and his wife on the heels of our Zoom call:

HER: “How was your group?”

HIM: “I learned I need to be more patient and less judgmental when you tell me something. Too often I treat you like an annoyance, like you’re interrupting something important, when actually, you’re not. You deserve better than that.” (I talked about Jim’s example and how I get pissed in similar situations and how his story convicted me.)

HER: “How long is this group?”

HIM: “10 weeks. Why?”

HER: “I want you in it forever.”

I had rehearsed the “How was your group?” moment with them on Week 1 (all wives want to know), and this dude crushed it!

Let’s look at why.

First, some foundation ...

Most women feel alone in their marriage.

That would be an easy line to skim past. But don’t. Read it slowly, one word at a time:

Most. women. feel. alone. in. their. marriage.

Alone.

In their marriage!

My wife did. Her attempts to connect with me — “How was your day?” — were typically treated as background noise at best, annoying intrusions at worst.

HER: “How was your day?”

ME: “Good. [Put my stuff down, head to our bedroom, change clothes, reappear] I’m going for a run.”

Yeah, it was bad.
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Her Bids

“How was your group?” and “How was your day?” are what leading marriage authority John Gottman calls BIDS FOR CONNECTION. A bid is a question, statement, touch, or look that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”

My wife wanted to connect with me! She wanted to connect with her husband on a deeper level than laundry, kids, and what’s for dinner.

Using Gottman’s language again, rather than “turn toward her“ in those moments, I foolishly “turned away from her“ and her bids for connection — as evidenced by my disinterested, one-word, passive responses.

You know where that led.

Gottman found that men who wound up in divorce court ignored their wives’ bids 82% of the time, compared to just 19% for men in strong and stable marriages.

Whoa!

If you’re in a season of marriage repair and your wife asks, “How was your men’s group?” or “How was your meeting with the counselor?” she’s not asking how it was!

Allow me to translate:

“I want to believe in you! I want to believe in us! I want to believe change is possible! Tell me something good! Tell me we’re on the right path! Tell me we can do this! Tell me we’re going to be OK!”

Back to the guy in my group ...

On the surface, it looks like he simply brushed the dust off his former go-to response of, “Good,“ and threw in a few extra phrases. But don’t be fooled. He did much more than that. He gave his wife something to believe in. He prophesied to her. He became a bringer of hope.

It’s why she responded the way she did — “I want you in it forever.” She felt included. She felt connected. She felt welcomed into his inner world.

She felt less alone.
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Put It to Work

1. Pay more attention to your wife’s words. Tune in to what’s not being said.
2. Build the habit of asking yourself, ”Could this be a bid for connection?“ (Hint: 99 times out of 100, the answer is yes.)
3. Don’t respond the same old way. We already know it doesn’t build the marriage you want. Eradicate one-word, male-centric answers. Get rid of “good,” “fine,” and “okay.” Set a match to them!
4. Turn toward your wife and her bids for connection. You can do that in five seconds, even if it’s to say, “I’d love to tell you about group tonight. I’m a little fried and could use a shower. Can I meet you back here in 20 minutes? [smile]”
5. Save her from the pain of feeling alone. Build a close and intimate marriage instead!

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Your Coach,