​
Hi Reader,

I had a conversation with a married woman that left me reeling.

It was more than her words (although they were borderline shocking) …

It was how she delivered them — with such passion and urgency. Our phone call quickly turned into her Sermon on the Mount. At one point, I even stopped her and said, “Hold on. I’m writing this down.”

First, a little background …

I’ve known this couple for over 30 years. Greg and Amy. They’re part of my inner circle. Good people. Stable people. They have a 35-year marriage that’s weathered many storms.

Fast-forward to 2023 ...

Greg and I were finishing up a phone call — saying our goodbyes — when Amy jumped on to say hello and give me some positive feedback about my newest book. She had just finished reading it.

I don’t remember how our conversation evolved to, “Hold on. I’m writing this down,” but when she finished, I said, “I’m starting a podcast next year. You’ll be my first guest.”

Until then, here are a few of the gems I captured. Each bullet point is a word-for-word quote from my friend Amy. An honest glimpse into the soul of Woman.

Some of it won’t “make sense” initially. That’s good. It means we’re on the verge of learning something new. The verge of building a better marriage.

Here’s Amy ...

• “A man changing himself to make me happy actually pisses me off. It’s supremely UN-attractive. It’s what used to disgust me about Greg.”
• “I used to yell at Greg in frustration, Why do you do whatever I say?! I didn’t feel safe when he gave in to my silly demands.”
• “If you bend due to a little pressure from me ... If you won’t stand up to me ... What will you stand up to?!”
• “I had no respect for him when he wilted.”
• “Tell the men you coach and write for — become the strong, secure man you were designed to be and your wife will be more attracted to you!”

I doubt we need a qualifier, but just in case ...

Amy wasn’t saying, “I wish Greg would be more of an asshole. Ignore me. Avoid me. Dismiss what I say. Aggressively put me in my place.”

But she was saying:

• Be strong
• Have an opinion
• Have a conviction
• Stand by it
• Say no when you need to
• Accept your wife’s influence …
• But don’t let her walk all over you
• Have a spine
• Have some self-respect
• Know what you want
• And don’t apologize for it

The decision to wilt or stand tall shows up in the most innocent and unremarkable of ways.

Case in point ...
​

“Bock-Bock”

It was my client’s 53rd birthday. He celebrated with family and friends at his favorite Mexican restaurant.

When it was his turn to order, he turned to the waiter and said, “I’ll have the chicken burr…” but before he could finish saying “burrito,” his wife announced, “He’ll have the carne asada.”

Moment of truth.

One he failed to recognize.

Instead, he looked at his wife and recited the reasons why he really wanted the chicken burrito:

• “I had the carne asada two weeks ago.”
• “I love the burritos here.”
• “You never let me order what I want.”

And weakest of all …

• “It’s my birthday.”

She looked at the waiter and repeated, “He’ll have the carne asada.”

Everyone laughed.

My client smiled, shrugged his shoulders, and felt his backbone leave his body.
​

A Better Approach

We talked about it the next day. He was still upset with his wife for being bossy and disrespectful.

I offered this:

“The battle was over the moment you began telling Jen why you wanted the chicken burrito. Let’s come up with a stronger way to respond next time.

1. ”Lightheartedly and with a smile, ask, ‘Is there something I should know about the chicken?’
2. “Then say, ‘Ahhh, I know what you’re up to. You want me to order the carne asada so you can have some.’
3. “Finally, in an upbeat tone, say, ‘You know, you might be onto something. The carne asada is really good here.’ Then turn to the waiter and order both — the chicken burrito for you and the carne asada for the table. Everyone gets to try the carne asada and Jen gets the credit.”

Strong.

Kind.

Gracious.

Unflappable.

Secure.

They all add up to one thing ...

SUPREMELY ATTRACTIVE.

I continued:

“Wanting the burrito but caving to Jen and ordering the carne asada says: ‘You’re right, I’m weak and need to be mothered. Thank God you stopped me from ordering the burrito. I’m like a child and don’t know what’s best for me.’

“It also says, ’I’m sorry honey, but you’ll have to look elsewhere for a man who won’t bend. A man with conviction. A man with self-respect. A man who will provide you with risk and adventure and romantic excitement. A man you’ll feel safe with. I’m just not that guy.’ ”
​

Stop Saying I’m Sorry!

Granted, “Stop saying I’m sorry!” sounds strange coming from a Marriage Crisis Coach, but here’s what I’ve learned ...

1. Most of our apologies are unnecessary. Wasted energy. Wasted words.
2. An unnecessary apology produces the opposite of its intended effect. I’m trying to appease my wife, but she only grows more irritable.
3. Worst of all, an unnecessary apology erodes her respect for me. It puts my Attractiveness Quotient in the toilet.

A short illustration ...

One of my clients left the office early so he could be home with his teenage daughters while his wife ran errands and had her hair done.

He set up shop on the kitchen table, made phone calls, and answered emails. His daughters got their homework done and had just turned on the TV when his wife walked in the door.

She immediately began complaining about “the mess” in the family room and kitchen ...

• “There are crumbs on the countertop!”
• “Whose charging cable is this?!”
• “This trash can is almost full!”
• “This jacket doesn’t belong here!”
• “Turn off the TV and clean this mess!”

My client tried to pacify her by offering an apology:

“I’m sorry, honey.”

Here’s why his apology was both unnecessary and harmful:

1. He didn’t do anything wrong.
2. His pseudo-apology failed to address the real issues at play.
3. It said, “I’m feeling uncomfortable and need to be rescued from this moment. I’ll fire off a quick apology rather than step into my leadership role.”
4. It said, “I can be bullied and pushed around.”
5. It served to water down and lessen the impact of any real future apology.

Listen, I know it’s not an exact science, and there’s no “right” way to handle moments like these, but something closer to this would be stronger and more productive:

“The house is a bit messy and that stresses you out, doesn’t it? Why don’t we unwind on the deck. I’ll pour us a glass of pinot. I want to hear about your day. [smile]

“Girls, one of you wipe this counter down. The other can empty the trash.”

What stressed-out woman doesn’t love a glass of wine with her husband? Her strong, secure, tuned-in, gracious, firm, unflappable, and sexy husband!

Stop saying you’re sorry.

Stop trying to make her happy.

Stop giving in to her silly demands.

Says my strong female friend.

Stand tall instead.
​

​

Connect with Me

What landed?

What’s your biggest takeaway?

I’d love to hear from you.
​

Your Coach,