Hi Reader,

One of my clients had a MAJOR epiphany that every husband needs to hear.

Some backstory ...

His wife moved out three months ago (after thirty years of marriage) and was dead set on divorce. He found me that same week and said, “I’ll be your greatest student ever.” So far, he’s living up to it — owning his crap, refusing to play the victim, and working his ass off to be a strong, self-aware, patient, kind, and compassionate man.

Last week, his wife was in town on business and had to spend the night at the family home. A massive storm was preparing to hit the area and driving was out of the question.

As my client was locking up the house before bed, he passed by the guest room to say goodnight to his wife.

HIM: “I’ve always been really good at protecting you and the boys. You know I have your back in any situation, even now.”

HER: “Yes, I know that.”

HIM: “But I haven’t done a good job of protecting your heart.”

Those words touched a deep nerve.

She began to weep, grieving the years she had played second fiddle to his business pursuits and performance-oriented workaholism. Remembering how utterly alone she felt in their marriage.

Through tears, she said, ”I built walls. Thick, hard walls. I had to. You wouldn’t protect my heart. I had to do it myself.”

That single revelation — I failed to protect and care for my wife’s heart — him owning and understanding it — is a big reason why she’s slowly warming up to the idea of them being a couple again. Her formerly tone deaf, perfectionist, hard-on-everyone-else, stress-ridden, short-fused husband is talking and acting like a man who’s awake. His former tough guy exterior is being replaced by true strength.

I had a similar epiphany 8 years ago and wrote a short post about it (below).

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This poster hangs on my bedroom wall. It was given to me 30 years ago by my friend, Constance, who worked on the movie. Truth be told, it sat curled inside a cardboard tube in my bedroom closet for more than two decades.

We moved quite a bit during that stretch of time. Packing the house was practically an annual event. The contents of my closet — clothes, shoes, and a cardboard tube — weren’t put inside the moving truck, but thrown into the back of my SUV on moving day.

Invariably, I’d pull out the poster, carefully unfurl it and complain, “Damn, I hate that stupid photo in the center. The one of Nathaniel holding Cora. I mean, Madeleine Stowe is hot and all, but it doesn’t belong. Ruins the intensity. I wish Constance had given me the other one, the one without the lame insert.”

So, I’d roll it up and slide it back into its protective tube. I never threw it away, of course, because I’m a huge fan of the movie. Few sagas offer such a stunning and visceral portrayal of courage and honor and what it means to be a warrior.

Fast-forward to 2015. I’m a divorced dad. My son and I are doing some spring cleaning. He’s downstairs dusting, and I’m attacking the bedroom closet. My inner monologue:

“Hmmm, it’s been awhile since we last moved. Maybe my Last of the The Mohicans poster has magically morphed into the way cooler Daniel-Day-Lewis-only version. I’ll take a look and see.”

It hadn’t changed, of course, but I had. This time as I gazed upon the familiar image, a phrase popped into my head:

Not the wimp.

Not the whiner.

Not the egotist.

Not the workaholic.

Not the one who demands, “You should love me because I’m your husband!”

But the warrior. The one who fights for her heart.

The warrior gets the girl.

I never saw it. It was hidden from me all those years while I huffed and puffed on the hamster wheel.

Look again at the larger iconic image of Daniel Day-Lewis. It’s plucked from a scene called “Massacre.” That fierce intensity is written across his face for a reason. Nathaniel is running full bore through the melee — crushing skulls and slitting throats — in a desperate attempt to find Cora before she’s harmed. This isn’t his “tough guy” look, it’s his “man possessed” look. He’s running to find her, to save and rescue her.

Little did I know ... the poster in my closet told a story that would become the synopsis of a book I would one day write. A book that teaches husbands how to fight for the hearts of their wives.

This time I hung it on my wall.
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My Suggestion

My suggestion to men everywhere:

Download the image. Make it your laptop’s wallpaper or your cell phone’s home screen. Buy the poster on Amazon and hang it on your bedroom wall.

The next time you’re in a funk and feel like giving up on your marriage — “This is too hard. She’s impossible. What about my needs?!” — just stare at it. Stare at his face. His clenched fist. The knife. The Pennsylvania flintlock slung across his back. Stare at it until your eyes narrow and your jaw tightens. Until the imaginary tomahawk in your hand is being swung through the air and plunged into the necks of your enemies.

Until you’re ready to fight for her heart.

Oh, and remember to notice the smaller image in the center. Look at that one, too. Then take a deep breath and say it with steel:

“The warrior gets the girl.”

It’s a vivid reminder that, yes, your needs will get met. Quite handsomely, I might add. “To the victor belong the spoils.”

Finally, to my dear friend, Constance ...

Thank you! This is the waaaaay cooler poster.

I stare at mine every morning and snarl.

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2023 Update

Yes, this poster still hangs above my bed, and I still stand in front of it every morning and snarl.

I added these words two years ago:

“I am a Great Warrior, fighting for those who are unable to fight for themselves.”

For me, this includes husbands who are stuck, wives who cry themselves to sleep at night, and children trapped inside the unspeakable horrors of sex trafficking. Every man needs a battle to fight. This is mine.
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Put It to Work

1. We’re diligent to protect our families and ensure their physical safety by locking up at night, installing alarm systems, and building fences around the property. You might even keep a tomahawk under your bed. Fine. But how would your wife answer this question: “Does your husband protect and fight for your heart?”
2. Make no mistake, this is the one issue everything else hinges on — your marriage, your family, your sense of worth as a man, your success, your reward, your legacy — everything!
3. Get outside your comfort zone. Ask her: “On a scale of 1-to-10, how well do I protect and fight for your heart?”
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Your Coach,