Hi Reader,

Your marriage might not mirror the one below, but pay close attention to what the wife in this real-life story is asking for.

It’s what they’re all asking for.
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“Get to Know Me”

I worked with a client (Mark) who was hyper-driven and hard-charging. Action now! Results now! It helped him grow wealthy and stay incredibly fit, but hurt his chances of reuniting with his wife.

I’ll explain ...

When he found me, Mark and Sarah were living in separate homes, and he was a frustrated mess. He kept trying to wine and dine her (because he thought he was supposed to), and she kept brushing him off. Sarah’s biggest complaint about their marriage was, “We weren’t friends,” but Mark wasn’t listening.

He thought she wanted romance. What she really wanted was a relationship.

Miffed by another, “Sorry, I have plans that night,” reply from Sarah, he shot me a text that read in part, “This will never work.”

Here’s my reply:

“In her polite, indirect, i-don’t-want-to-hurt-mark’s-feelings way, she’s been saying the same thing for months — “Slow down, tiger! Too much, too soon. There’s a way forward for us, but this isn’t it. I’m not ready for romance. It’s too early. Please don’t wine and dine me. Spend time with me instead. Hang out with me instead. Get to know me instead. Let’s go deep this time.”

I followed it with this:

“It’s simple. Push friendship, you win. Push romance, you lose. Let Sarah set the pace right now. Anything faster than what she’s comfortable with will feel like pressure to her and Pressure = Bad.”
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Date Night Alternatives

So Mark and I got busy planning “dates” that looked very different from what Sarah expected. Each one emphasized unhurried time together:

• An afternoon visit to a local art gallery
• A morning hike in the foothills behind their home
• A home project they could collaborate on
• An overnight trip somewhere fun with the kids

Remember, the win is always found in what your wife doesn’t expect — what she doesn’t see coming.

His invitation to Date-Not-A-Date #1 sounded like this:

“I haven’t been to the new art gallery yet, have you? It sounds kind of cool. I’d love to check it out with you. Now, just to be clear, this wouldn’t be a date … but a fun way to spend some time together and work on that friendship I neglected for so long. How does this Saturday after lunch sound?”

She accepted.

Great, right?

But let’s not overlook the low-hanging fruit. Even though Mark lived outside the family home, there were opportunities to connect with his wife almost daily.

I asked him, “What are some things your wife already does that you could do with her? How could you get in her space more often? Engage with her more often?”

That question led to moments like these:

• “Looks like you’re taking Scout for a walk. I could use the exercise. Mind if I join you?”
• “Do you have dinner plans tonight? If not, I’ll pick up Chinese for you and the kids.”
• “I’d like to knock off a project around the house each weekend before the weather gets crazy-cold. Here’s the list I’ve put together so far. Am I missing anything?”
• “Before I head home, tell me about your new job. How do you like it?”

Planned, but not planned.

Structured, but not structured.

I told him to ditch the sexual innuendo and look for small, unassuming ways to simply be with her.

Around that time, I sent him this email:

“Remember, the goal isn’t to get anything from Sarah (an acknowledgement, a flirty comment, or even a smile), but simply to be in her presence. To be Mark. New Mark. Mark and his new mindset. Mark and his new energy.
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You’re helping Sarah change her story about you and your marriage by building positive neural associations: Mark = Fun ... Mark = Present ... Mark = Connected ... Mark = Not who he used to be.
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Getting in Sarah’s space is what matters. Treating her like a person and not a project is what matters. Connecting with her is what matters.

He rocked it.

Within three or four months, Sarah had completely dropped her defensive posture. The deeper connection she had always wanted with her husband was beginning to form.
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Put It to Work

1. Push Friendship — Quit trying to wine and dine your wife. It’s working against you. Brainstorm and plan “dates” that emphasize unhurried time together. Pitch her on the one she’s most likely to say yes to.
2. Low-Hanging Fruit — Maybe she’s not saying yes to much right now. That’s OK. Be creative. What are some things your wife does that you could do with her? How could you get in her space more often? Engage with her more often? In the spirit of the examples I gave above, look for small, unassuming ways to simply be with her.
3. Is Your Marriage Good? — Excellent. Let’s make it great! What’s one small thing you could do more consistently to answer your wife’s heart cry for deeper connection and intimacy? Not sure? Ask her :)

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Your Coach,