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Hi Reader,

Here’s what a husband said to me over the phone this week:

Any you know what?

I believed him.

For the first 10 minutes or so.

As our conversation progressed, I learned:

• He doesn’t listen to her.
• He doesn’t respect her boundaries.
• By his own admission, he’s “pushy and self-centered.”
• He ignores his wife’s heartfelt concerns.
• He shuts her down.
• He pouts when he doesn’t get his way.
• And after 20 years of marriage, he doesn’t know her love language.

At the 35-minute mark of our phone call, I asked, “Nick, can I offer an observation?”

HIM: “Please.”

ME: “I don’t think you love your wife.”

[pause]

ME: “Based on what you’ve told me, you love how she makes you feel, but you don’t love her. Your love is shallow, immature, and self-centered. That’s hard to hear, but if you want a better marriage, it’s our starting line.”

Spoken by one who’s been there.
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He Loves Me ... He Loves Me Not

Do you love your wife?

You say you do. You think you do — so did I — but do you?

It’s not a perfect science of course, but for most women …

• Feeling Heard = Love
• Feeling Connected = Love
• Feeling Like a Priority = Love
• Feeling Like We’re a Team = Love

And none of these things are possible while you and I are on Autopilot, which happens to be most of the time.

Autopilot cripples intimacy.

It cripples meaningful connection.

It turns soulmates into roommates.

We’re sleepwalking through life. We’re not in touch with — not conscious of — what really matters.

No one destroys their marriage on purpose.

Marriages are destroyed for one simple reason:

We neglect them.

We put off investing in our relationship the same way we put off preparing for retirement or scheduling our annual physical or booking that trip to Europe we’ve been promising ourselves for 12 years.

That’s what Autopilot does. It keeps us slaves to the urgent. One day we’ll get around to the things that matter, just not today.

20 years after “I do,” and we still don’t know (or treat her like we know) our wife’s love language.
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The Opposite of Autopilot

The opposite of Autopilot — the path to mature love and a meaningful marriage — is to be conscious. To be present. To be tuned in to our spouse.

Marriages thrive when husbands are tuned in. They suffer dramatically when we’re tuned out.

I hear this often from the wives I work with:

“He has zero self-awareness. He’s not tuned in to me or my needs. He’s not tuned in to our kids. He’s not aware of the negative impact certain behaviors have had — and continue to have — on our marriage.”

That’s scary.

It should also be unacceptable to every man reading this.
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Put It to Work

Consider what follows as the extended “Put It to Work” section I end every email with. Here are practical ways to tune in to your wife, obliterate Autopilot, and evaluate — in the coming weeks and months — whether you truly love her or not.

Grab your journal and a pen.

Yes, this includes homework!

Remember, we’re trading a love that’s potentially shallow, immature, and self-centered for one that’s deep, enduring, and easily recognizable to the one we profess to love.

This is a big deal.

Here we go.

Three things to get über clear on if we’re to truly love our wives …
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1. Her High Five

Get clear on your wife’s top five non-marital needs — things that are important to her whether married or unmarried. For example, she might say:

• I need 8 hours of sleep or I’m grumpy.
• It’s important to me that I see my parents once a month.
• I can’t stand clutter.
• My rule when spending time with family or friends is PHONES OFF!
• It’s important to me to be on time. I don’t like to be kept waiting, so I don’t keep other people waiting.

She obviously has more than five, but get super clear on the weightiest ones.

You have to know what they are!
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2. Her Hero List

What little things make your wife feel cherished?

What little things help your wife feel heard?

What little things say, “You’re my priority”?

What little things say, “We’re a team”?

We’re looking for your highest leverage activities. Your highest ROI. The things that say thoughtful, kind, and considerate to your spouse.

If your marriage is lukewarm, these are the things that will light a fire under it. If you’re sleeping on the couch, these are the things that will move you back into the bedroom.

Not because you’ve cracked the code, but because you’re a strong, present, tuned-in man and husband.

BOOM.
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3. Her Zero List

Her grievances.

The things that brought you here.

The primary behaviors that have had — and continue to have — a negative impact on your marriage.

Again, you have to know what they are!
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Pro Tip #1

You can find items for your Hero and Zero lists in your wife’s High Five.

For example, if “My rule when spending time with family or friends is PHONES OFF!” made Her High Five, then looking at your phone during dinner or while she’s telling you about her day would most likely make Her Zero List.

On the other hand, buying a small basket for the center of the kitchen table and requiring your kids to drop their phones in it before sitting down to eat would most likely make Her Hero List.
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Pro Tip #2

Get your wife’s input.

We want your list to match her list!

YOU: “Honey, there’s something I need your help with. Would you look these over and give me some constructive input? I want to be a more tuned-in husband. I want you to feel loved in our marriage. Wouldn’t it suck if I think I’m loving you, but you don’t?”

YOU: “So, which of these did I nail? Which ones did I miss by a mile? What did I leave out? What would you change?”

This is what love sounds like.
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Your Coach,