Hi Reader,

We weren’t consciously aware of it, but throughout our childhood and teenage years, we were being groomed to objectify women. To treat them as objects rather than people with insecurities, needs, hurts, wants, dreams, and disappointments of their own.

It came in the form of sexually-charged advertising, locker room talk, TV game shows á la The Price is Right, the way your father treated your mother, expressions like “trophy wife,” the $532 billion makeup and cosmetics industry, beauty pageants, and your earliest exposure to porn.

Most marriages are doomed long before anyone says, “I do.”

Our brains have been trained to dehumanize women. It’s the elephant-in-the-room reason half of all marriages don’t survive, and most of the ones that do suck. We don’t know how to cherish our wives, because the cultural kool-aid we still drink has rendered us incapable.

We unconsciously view them as objects.

You feel no more empathy for your wife when she’s sad than you would for your car when it’s making a funny noise. You put no more effort into carving out quality time for her than you would running errands or fine-tuning your golf swing.

You can’t.

Not while the kool-aid is still in your system. Not while you’re still habituated to it.
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A Painful Admission

I’ve built a career out of disclosing my failures as a husband and helping men avoid the mistakes I made. Still, it’s painful to share this, even for me.

I can still hear the sound of my wife crying in bed — whimpering — as she grieved the void where our marriage once stood. It was the most despondent and anguish-ridden sound I’ve ever heard. And to my shame, more than once, I walked past our bedroom door with irritation and thought, “What’s her problem now?! Damn, she’s a handful.”

(Yes, I really was that self-absorbed. I really was that big of an asshole.)

The awful and embarrassing truth is, if she’d been feeling amorous, she would’ve had my undivided attention. But she was an object. Nothing more.

I couldn’t see the little girl — the person — who’d been abandoned by her dad. The little girl who grew up to win lucrative NYC modeling contracts as a twenty-something but didn’t understand her true worth.

And sadly, I couldn’t see the grown woman who was still asking through tears, “Won’t someone love me?! Not my body ... not my sex appeal ... but me?”

It still wrecks me.

I wish it was anomalous, but I hear from women every week who tell me they cry themselves to sleep — mourning the loss of emotional closeness with the men who treat them as objects. The men who ignore their personhood and pain.
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An Everyday Example

Your wife is not a person but an object when you view her only in relation to you. When you regard her in one of these three ways:

1. As a vehicle to get the things you want
2. As an obstacle that keeps you from getting the things you want
3. As irrelevant

Dr. Mark Frazier of Strong Men, Strong Marriages illustrates this so well using an example we can all relate to — dirty dishes.

For the sake of this example …

Let’s pretend you’re a bit OCD when it comes to keeping the kitchen clean. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink before bed is not an option. You have your own list of agreed-upon household duties, but loading the dishwasher, hand-washing the big stuff, and wiping down the counters is not one of them. That belongs to your wife.

It’s Tuesday night.

It’s late.

Your wife is tucking the kids in. She’s also fighting a cold and has had an exceptionally challenging day. Bottom line, she’s exhausted.

If you see your wife as an object, there are three different ways to handle this.
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1. You Leave the Dishes for Her

I mean, after all, it’s her chore. She chose it, for crying out loud. Plus, you’re tired too. Yeah, she's had a challenging day, but yours was no walk in the park either. You deserve a little downtime. It won’t kill her to do a few dishes.

THE GOOD​
You get what you want — a clean kitchen.

THE BAD​
Potential resentment from your wife. Potential disconnection. Potential broken intimacy. You missed an opportunity to serve her and be her hero. You missed — as the Gottman’s would say — an “opportunity to shine for your spouse.”
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2. You Do the Dishes (Angrily)

Not because you value her. Not because she’s had a rough day and she’s fighting a cold. But because you want a clean kitchen. So yes, you do the dishes, but you’re huffing and puffing the whole time. “This is her job, dammit!”

THE GOOD
​You get what you want — a clean kitchen.

THE BAD
​More disconnection. More broken intimacy. She might thank you, but she senses your anger and hostility. It’s unattractive. You’re unattractive. She might even say, “I’m sorry I left the kitchen such a mess. I’m exhausted and not feeling so hot,” but it’s not a win for the home team. Far from it. The box score reads “L.”
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3. You Do the Dishes (Enthusiastically)

This time you see it as an opportunity to impress her. To get her attention. To wow her! And guess what? It works! You get appreciation, affection, and maybe even sexual intimacy later that night!

THE GOOD​
You get what you want — a clean kitchen and sex.

THE BAD​
You get love, attention, and sex, but — here’s the danger — you bartered for those things. You traded doing the dishes for them. It was purely transactional. Your wife is still an object and not a person. She’s merely a vehicle to help you get what you want.

You know where this is going ...

Next week when you do the exact same thing — pitch in and clean the kitchen — you naturally expect the same results. The same payoff. But this time your wife is tired and goes to bed without giving you anything in return.

You’re fuming. “Hey, I did the dishes! I didn’t have to, you know. Fine! If you don't appreciate my help, you can do it yourself next time! I'm not running a charity here!"

Notice ...

THE RESULT IS THE SAME IN ALL THREE CASES — disconnection and a loss of intimacy. You’re treating your wife as an object, not a person. She’s either a vehicle to get you what you want, or she’s an obstacle standing in the way of what you want.
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The Road Less Traveled

The alternative is to see her and treat her as a person.

Imagine the same scenario as above …

But this time, instead of doing the dishes in a transactional way, to get something from her, you think, “My wife is amazing. Such an incredible mom. If I get stuck with the kids for just a few hours, I’m ready to auction them off. Here she is fighting a cold and hasn’t complained all week. She’s such a trooper. You know what? I’m going to pitch in and do the dishes while she’s putting the kids down. That’s the lest I can do. Plus, I know it will bless her.”

It doesn’t matter if she thanks you.

It doesn’t matter if she “rewards” you later that night.

You’re doing it to give, not to get.

Because you see her as a person to love and serve.

And because that’s the kind of man you are!
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Redefine the Win

If the Win = “I do it to make my wife happy”

You’ll never win. It's futile! Why? Because she’s in control of her emotions, not you.

But ...

If the Win = “I act in a way I can be proud of”

You’ll always win!

You’re acting from a place of strength and honor — not to lure, coerce, or manipulate her.

And if she does gives you affection or even sexual intimacy, it’s because she chose to. It’s because she wanted to. The result is very different — greater trust and greater connection in your relationship.

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​Sex

Finally, if my wife is an object ...

She’s a vehicle for me to get mine — my next orgasm, my next dopamine hit, or maybe the boost my ego needs.

If she withholds sex, she’s an obstacle that stands in the way of me getting those things. Either way, sex or no sex, there’s no win for the relationship.

But if she’s a person ...

Her thoughts, feelings, sexual preferences, and sexual hang-ups matter. How she feels matters. I approach sex as a way to know her more deeply and more intimately. As a way to connect with her in a way I don’t connect with anyone else. This is when sex becomes transformative!

I didn't forget #3 — Irrelevant.

My wife isn’t a person but an object when I treat her as irrelevant.

In the case of sex, it means I turn to pornography or pursue an affair. “You’re irrelevant. You don’t matter. I’ll get what I want somewhere else.”

It means I don’t consider her or her personhood at all.
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Put It to Work

1. If you struggle to treat your wife as an equal instead of an object, as a person deserving of love and respect — a counter-cultural prayer like this one is a good place to start: “God, help me to see my wife the same way you do. Help me to love and cherish her the same way you do.”
2. Pull the plug on porn. Stop drinking the kool-aid.
3. Stop trying to make her happy. Be a badass instead. Act in ways you can be proud of instead. Shine for your spouse in order to give, not to get. Love and serve her because that’s the kind of man you are!
4. What else comes to mind? What will you do differently? Reply to this email and let me know. I’d love to hear from you!

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Your Coach,