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Hi Reader, I help married men move from the background — where they’ve been — to the foreground — where they belong. It’s a thread that runs through everything I write and teach.
An excerpt from my newest book:
Accept your role. Relish your role. Lean into your role. Especially if you’ve been passive — stuck in Marriage Hell — waiting for your wife to go first. It’s where most of us retreat after courtship. We trade strength for weakness. Active for passive. Leading for following. By default, we force our wives into their masculine energy and they resent us for it. Your wife would much rather you lead the charge. Your shoulders are broader than hers for a reason. Case Study #1Let’s drop in on a recent conversation between me and a client. HIM: “Jen was annoyed at me this morning.” ME: “What happened?” HIM: “Well, when I came to bed last night, she was already on her phone. That’s pretty typical. So I checked a few emails, got sleepy, and drifted off. I don’t get it! I have to wake up an hour before her every morning. How is she annoyed at me for falling asleep?!” ME: “Good question. What are we missing?” HIM: “Not sure.” ME: “What if — after a long day of making breakfast, doing dishes, packing lunches, changing diapers, shopping for groceries, vacuuming dog hair, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, cleaning mirrors, running errands, preparing healthy snacks, wiping up spills, driving kids to practice, fixing dinner, picking up toys, helping with homework, and brushing teeth — Jen wants to connect with her husband? What if her phone is just a brief means of escape while she waits for you to come to bed? What if social media is the warm-up act but time with you is the main event? [pause] My gut tells me Jen wants to connect with her husband and wants him to initiate it.” Fast forward to today … A few nights a week, when my client hops into bed, he initiates contact with his wife. Rather than sit next to her — both of their backs against the headboard — he sits facing her so their knees touch.
You can imagine the difference it’s made. A husband who accepts his leadership role initiates contact with his wife. Which means she feels emotionally connected to him (the thing she craves). Which means she’s softer toward him (the thing he craves). Which means they make love more often. Which means they’re kinder to each other. Which means there’s less conflict. Which means their children feel loved and secure. And being married is fun again. What a difference one tuned-in man can make! Case Study #2A new client and his wife had a small but unsettling disagreement after putting the kids to bed. In its aftermath, he retreated to his basement man cave for SportsCenter. A few hours later, his wife walked down to the basement and asked, “Are you coming to bed?” He replied, “No.” So, what did he miss? He missed what John Gottman, our generation’s leading marriage authority, calls “a bid for connection.” In case it’s not obvious, his wife’s question wasn’t a question at all. It was a plea. Here’s my best translation: I’m lonely. I hate feeling disconnected from you. Even if we don’t discuss the disagreement we had, will you come upstairs and cuddle with me? Will you hold me in your arms as I fall asleep? I need to know we’re okay. “So why didn’t she just say that?” asks the uninitiated male. Wrong question. Here’s the right one: Why did she have to walk down two flights of stairs to get her husband’s attention in an attempt to repair their fractured relationship while he pouted and played the weakling?! Why did she have to pursue him?! It was very un-feminine of her. It was contrary to her nature. But it was a compromise she was willing to make for the sake of the relationship. A compromise her passive husband silently demanded. So, in the absence of true masculinity, she hastily played the hero. She gathered herself, chose to be brave, put a tender-but-tentative smile on her face, and fought for their marriage. Like a great warrior — like William Wallace himself — she descended into that dark lair. She went after her husband. His reply — “No” — makes sense now. It was distinctly feminine. He was playing hard to get. He had abdicated his role as Warrior and Protector of the marriage. While his wife chose risk and honor, he chose the comfort of his cave and dishonor. “I Am Not the Princess”Carve this on your forearm in all caps: I AM NOT THE PRINCESS Don’t wait for her to put her phone down. Don’t wait for her to initiate contact. Don’t wait for her to come after you. You are not the princess! Masculine energy pursues. Masculine energy leaves the safety of the shore. Masculine energy is warrior and protector. If connection — if intimacy — has been broken, it's your job to get it back. It's your job to be strong. Like Saul insisting David wear his armor, you insisting she lead the charge doesn’t fit. It will never fit. That’s your role. Accept it. Relish it. Lean into it. Not later. Now. Put It to Work
Success is not a big step in the future. It’s a small step taken right now. (Jonatan Mörtensson) |
P.O. Box 2002, Red Bank, New Jersey 07701 |
I help husbands grow and become great men. The kind their wives swoon over. Join the one percent! New content delivered weekly.
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