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Hi Reader,

I help married men move from the background — where they’ve been — to the foreground — where they belong.

It’s a thread that runs through everything I write and teach.

• Husbands go first.
• Husbands lead the charge.
• Husbands set the example.
• Husbands say, “Follow me.”

An excerpt from my newest book:

Your wife would much rather you lead the charge. Your shoulders are broader than hers for a reason.
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Case Study #1

Let’s drop in on a recent conversation between me and a client.

HIM: “Jen was annoyed at me this morning.”

ME: “What happened?”

HIM: “Well, when I came to bed last night, she was already on her phone. That’s pretty typical. So I checked a few emails, got sleepy, and drifted off. I don’t get it! I have to wake up an hour before her every morning. How is she annoyed at me for falling asleep?!”

ME: “Good question. What are we missing?”

HIM: “Not sure.”

ME: “What if — after a long day of making breakfast, doing dishes, packing lunches, changing diapers, shopping for groceries, vacuuming dog hair, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, cleaning mirrors, running errands, preparing healthy snacks, wiping up spills, driving kids to practice, fixing dinner, picking up toys, helping with homework, and brushing teeth — Jen wants to connect with her husband? What if her phone is just a brief means of escape while she waits for you to come to bed? What if social media is the warm-up act but time with you is the main event? [pause] My gut tells me Jen wants to connect with her husband and wants him to initiate it.”

Fast forward to today …

A few nights a week, when my client hops into bed, he initiates contact with his wife. Rather than sit next to her — both of their backs against the headboard — he sits facing her so their knees touch.

• He might ask, “What do you wish we did more of together?”
• He might bring up a home project they’re about to start.
• He might share a silly moment with her.
• He might ask, “Which one of our kids needs extra attention this week?”
• He might show up with Connect Four and challenge her to a best-out-of-7.

You can imagine the difference it’s made.

And being married is fun again.

What a difference one tuned-in man can make!
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Case Study #2

A new client and his wife had a small but unsettling disagreement after putting the kids to bed. In its aftermath, he retreated to his basement man cave for SportsCenter.

A few hours later, his wife walked down to the basement and asked, “Are you coming to bed?”

He replied, “No.”

So, what did he miss?

He missed what John Gottman, our generation’s leading marriage authority, calls “a bid for connection.” In case it’s not obvious, his wife’s question wasn’t a question at all. It was a plea. Here’s my best translation:

“So why didn’t she just say that?” asks the uninitiated male.

Wrong question. Here’s the right one:

Why did she have to walk down two flights of stairs to get her husband’s attention in an attempt to repair their fractured relationship while he pouted and played the weakling?!

Why did she have to pursue him?!

It was very un-feminine of her. It was contrary to her nature. But it was a compromise she was willing to make for the sake of the relationship. A compromise her passive husband silently demanded.

So, in the absence of true masculinity, she hastily played the hero. She gathered herself, chose to be brave, put a tender-but-tentative smile on her face, and fought for their marriage. Like a great warrior — like William Wallace himself — she descended into that dark lair. She went after her husband.

His reply — “No” — makes sense now. It was distinctly feminine. He was playing hard to get. He had abdicated his role as Warrior and Protector of the marriage. While his wife chose risk and honor, he chose the comfort of his cave and dishonor.
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“I Am Not the Princess”

Carve this on your forearm in all caps:

Don’t wait for her to put her phone down.

Don’t wait for her to initiate contact.

Don’t wait for her to come after you.

You are not the princess!

Masculine energy pursues. Masculine energy leaves the safety of the shore. Masculine energy is warrior and protector. If connection — if intimacy — has been broken, it's your job to get it back. It's your job to be strong.

Like Saul insisting David wear his armor, you insisting she lead the charge doesn’t fit.

It will never fit.

That’s your role.

Accept it. Relish it. Lean into it.

Not later.

Now.
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Put It to Work

1. There’s something in your home that’s begging for your leadership. Begging for you to go first. What is it? Where have you been passive or crying, “Unfair! I was the first to apologize last time!”? Where have you been acting more like a bystander than a strong, present, engaged man?
2. What does leading the charge look like in your situation? Is it being the first to plan a date night? Contact a marriage counselor? Call bullshit on yourself? Forgive your wife for something?
3. What’s one thing you can do today to build the marriage you want? To become more leader and less follower.
4. Do it now.

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Have an awesome week,

P.O. Box 2002, Red Bank, New Jersey 07701
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