Hi Reader,

This week I heard a wealthy business owner riff on the topic of psychological relief. He said we reward ourselves too early. Before the job is done. We trade the deep and satisfying relief of finishing the task in front of us for the counterfeit relief of avoiding the task in front of us.

It comes in many self-soothing forms:

• Look in the refrigerator
• Browse social media
• Vacuum
• Open YouTube
• Clean your workspace
• Fix a snack
• Answer email
• Get on Tinder
• Check the weather this weekend
• Do less demanding work

Ahhhhhh ... R E L I E F !

Temporary, yes — the job’s still not done — but at least I’m off the hook!

For now.

During the 2009 NBA Finals, a reporter asked Kobe Bryant why he wasn’t smiling after winning Game 2 and securing a 2-0 lead over Orlando.

Kobe: “Job’s not done.”

Not surprisingly, the Lakers went on to win the championship and Kobe was named MVP of the series.
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Counterfeit Relief in Marriage

My spouse is miffed about something. I’m not sure what, exactly, but I sense it. I know it. There’s an uncomfortable conversation looming.

I have a date with destiny.

One I’d like to avoid.

An excerpt from my Master Class:

That uncomfortable conversation isn’t going away. It’s like the avocados on my kitchen countertop. They only get mushier. They never ripen in reverse.

If your spouse is miffed — if connection is broken — cleaning the garage, going to the gym, or looking at porn won’t repair your relationship. Won’t negate the need for a conversation. Won’t reverse her ripening displeasure.

They’ll only postpone your date with destiny and erode her respect for you. Even worse, they’ll erode your respect for you.

That should terrify us.
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The Great Pretender

I was a chronic avoider. Many of you aren’t. But the temptation we all face is to half-ass it. To tiptoe around the issue. To hope it goes away.

Each of these is a form of avoidance:

• “Hey, how was your time with your mom yesterday?”
• “I’m heading to the store. Do you need anything?”
• “Let’s do something fun together this weekend.”

We tell ourselves we’re attempting to connect with our spouse, but it’s weak, and we know it.

Plus, she ain’t buying it.

She’s seen this tactic before.

All she hears is:

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The Better Question

Let’s bring this in for a landing.

A client recently asked his visibly upset wife the ”What‘s wrong?” question. It didn‘t go well. I called a dear and trusted friend for her advice.

As luck would have it, she was in the car with her bestie. They emphatically agreed on a much better way to run toward pain, demonstrate empathy for your wife, and build an emotional connection with her:

1. Drop “What‘s wrong?” like a hot potato.
2. Instead, get in your wife‘s space, look her in the eye, and gently say, “It looks like something is bothering you. Would you like to talk?“

They both emphasized that the phrasing is important. DON’T say, “You look upset.“

Stick with, “It looks like something is bothering you.“

Upset = Bad.

Now we know.
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Put It to Work

1. What needs to be addressed in your marriage? What have you been avoiding?
2. Shelve all other forms of relief until you address it.
3. Move toward pain and discomfort. Even if you’re up 2-0. Even if you and your wife are having an illusory “good day” (see Belief in Magic is Hurting Your Marriage).
4. Don’t rest until the job is done.

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Your Coach,