Hi Reader, This week I heard a wealthy business owner riff on the topic of psychological relief. He said we reward ourselves too early. Before the job is done. We trade the deep and satisfying relief of finishing the task in front of us for the counterfeit relief of avoiding the task in front of us. It comes in many self-soothing forms:
Ahhhhhh ... R E L I E F ! Temporary, yes — the job’s still not done — but at least I’m off the hook! For now. During the 2009 NBA Finals, a reporter asked Kobe Bryant why he wasn’t smiling after winning Game 2 and securing a 2-0 lead over Orlando. Kobe: “Job’s not done.” Not surprisingly, the Lakers went on to win the championship and Kobe was named MVP of the series. Counterfeit Relief in MarriageMy spouse is miffed about something. I’m not sure what, exactly, but I sense it. I know it. There’s an uncomfortable conversation looming. I have a date with destiny. One I’d like to avoid. An excerpt from my Master Class: It’s pretty cut and dry. The reason so many marriages fail is because most men aren’t willing to do what it takes to become great men. It’s too uncomfortable. (Let that sink in.) Listen, I get it. We all have a natural aversion to pain and discomfort. It’s factory-installed. It keeps us safe, but in many ways it keeps us small. Greatness always requires us to do what feels unnatural — run toward pain. Run toward fear. Run toward Goliath and not away from him. That uncomfortable conversation isn’t going away. It’s like the avocados on my kitchen countertop. They only get mushier. They never ripen in reverse. If your spouse is miffed — if connection is broken — cleaning the garage, going to the gym, or looking at porn won’t repair your relationship. Won’t negate the need for a conversation. Won’t reverse her ripening displeasure. They’ll only postpone your date with destiny and erode her respect for you. Even worse, they’ll erode your respect for you. That should terrify us. The Great PretenderI was a chronic avoider. Many of you aren’t. But the temptation we all face is to half-ass it. To tiptoe around the issue. To hope it goes away. Each of these is a form of avoidance:
We tell ourselves we’re attempting to connect with our spouse, but it’s weak, and we know it. Plus, she ain’t buying it. She’s seen this tactic before. All she hears is: “You know that i’m-miffed-about-something vibe you’ve been giving me all day ... that unnamed issue that’s widening the rift between us? Yeah, I’d rather avoid it. Too uncomfortable. I’d rather pretend we have a great marriage than actually do the work required to have one. I need relief from the tension in our home — even if it’s not real. Are you good with that?” The Better QuestionLet’s bring this in for a landing. A client recently asked his visibly upset wife the ”What‘s wrong?” question. It didn‘t go well. I called a dear and trusted friend for her advice. As luck would have it, she was in the car with her bestie. They emphatically agreed on a much better way to run toward pain, demonstrate empathy for your wife, and build an emotional connection with her:
They both emphasized that the phrasing is important. DON’T say, “You look upset.“ Stick with, “It looks like something is bothering you.“ Upset = Bad. Now we know. Put It to Work
Rest at the end, not in the middle. (Kobe Bryant)
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Hi Reader, This week’s small-but-mighty email opens with J.R.R. Tolkien on being overlooked: Deeds will not be less valiant because they’re unpraised. (Aragorn, The Return of the King) Husband and fellow warrior-king, Keep doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. Keep doing the right thing because that’s the kind of man you are. Put a knife to the throat of neediness. Needing your wife to notice, thank, or praise you for your benevolent deed. Otherwise, your good deed turns rancid...
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