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Hi Reader,

Much of my marriage pain can be traced to the covert contracts — the unspoken agreements — I had with my wife.

A few examples:

• “If I work hard and earn a decent living, you’ll want to have sex with me 2-3 times a week. Window-rattling sex if I take you out for dinner.”
• “If I pitch in and do a few household chores, you’ll stop getting on my case about things that don’t matter.”
• “When I walk in the door, you’ll drop whatever you’re doing, put on something sexy, and shower me with love and affection.”

These unspoken “agreements” weren’t actual agreements, of course. I never told my wife about them. She was supposed to just know.

Here’s the really ugly part ...

I fully expected her to hold up her end of the bargain and silently punished her when she didn’t.

That’s the problem with covert contracts. When we don’t get what we think we deserve (spoiler alert: we won’t), we grow angry and resentful.

”How dare she renege on our imaginary agreement!”

We become human powder kegs.
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Additional Reading

The purpose of this week’s email is to make you aware of any covert contracts you might be holding over your wife’s head, not to do a deep dive on the topic. If you’d like to pursue it further, a few recommendations:

The term “covert contract” was coined by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy. He uncovers the different reasons why we resort to them and why we struggle to ask for what we need in a relationship.

You can find his book here.

I cover similar themes in the post “Doing the Dishes Could Ruin Your Marriage.” It’s worth a read!

You can find my post here.
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Put It to Work

1. Hidden expectations will wreck your marriage. What are your covert contracts? Write them down like I did above. “If I do this, then she should do this.”
2. Within each covert contract, identify your legitimate relational needs and wants. For example: more affection, more physical touch, more frequent sex, more quality time together.
3. Get to the root of why you’ve been afraid to talk about your legitimate needs and wants. According to Dr. Glover, much of it stems from low self-worth (“I’m not lovable, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve to have my needs met”) and a crippling fear of rejection (“What if I share my needs with my wife and she laughs at me? Tells me to get lost?”).
4. Share your covert contracts with your wife. “I wasn’t conscious of it, but I’ve been holding these unspoken agreements over your head. Expecting you to fulfill them. Shutting you out when you didn’t. No wonder our marriage has been mediocre. I didn’t see it. But I see it now. Would you forgive me? I want to build something better with you.”
5. This might feel like the much riskier prospect, but express what you need and want more of in your marriage. Be direct. Be gracious. Talk. ”I like it when ... I feel close to you when ... It means a lot to me when ... I need more of ...”
6. Don’t apologize for any of it.

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In summary ...

Stop believing in magic.

Step off the anger-go-round.

Own what you want.

Ask for what you want.

Set your wife free.
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Your Coach,